DIARY OF AN ALIEN

Other site...

2011-01-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

...me and my alien buddies have landed here: blueshorrorbriga.de

Approaching Earth...

2010-07-21T11:11:00.001-07:00

...when this message arrives we will have landed already somewhere... yes, we will land in the home of Swiss cheese, the Emmental...

Truth or lies...?

2010-02-03T02:26:00.000-08:00

We have stopped our attacks for the moment... even though certain people claim we are still here:

Judge for yourself, Earthling...!

Attacking Earth

2009-09-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry, dear Earthlings, but me and my buddies are back on this planet. We are planning to take over as you can see in this video:

So, just co-operate and you will be fine...!

GLOBOCITY

2009-07-31T03:13:00.000-07:00

Since the death of Michael Jackson on Earth I had a very busy time in outerspace. We had to find a nice planet for Jacko to stay. And, holy moly, this man is very eccentric, even for extraterrestrial standards.
But now I will be back on Earth, when my body VJ Rhaps is doing his first solo exhibition: GLOBOCITY. It's supposed to be mad alien art work looking like this:

<^

The king is dead...?

2009-06-26T06:24:00.000-07:00

We have just returned to planet Earth to play a few gigs. Now one of Earth's greatest pop stars has left the planet. Yeah, Michael Jackson supposedly is dead. But as an alien I can tell you: "This ain't true." No, no, no, the man has just taken another shape and is floating in space. He is now on his way to bring his popular music and his crazy booty shaking dance styles to the rest of the universe. So, let us not mourn, but celebrate. Beat it. This is not a thriller. This is bad.

Porka gripo apokalipso

2009-06-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a while... We have been recording a new album on Saturn's moon Titan. Now we have heard Earth has been striken by a virus. We know how you might feel. Since we are space travellers we often get infected by strange viruses. Therefore we will come back to Earth and hope we can help in the struggle against swine flu. My extraterrestrial rock band, the fabulous Blues Horror Brigade, has written a song in Alien Esperanto, called "porka gripo". It can be heard here.

LEAVING THE PLANET... TEMPORARILY?

2009-04-07T04:32:00.000-07:00

My crew and me just listened to the last speeches Barack Obama gave while touring Europe. We told him some stuff about how to save Earth. Now we are very happy that he has done so. Therefore our mission to save Earthlings can be stopped... for the moment. We are leaving. Somehow it would be nice to come back to Earth some day... we will miss this planet for sure. It's f***ed up, but also very lovely. End of transmission.

Massive mass madness

2009-03-20T05:07:00.000-07:00

It is bizarre. Apparently a lot of Earthlings like to go to places because everybody is going there. So there are always those mad massive masses wherever you're supposed to go. Actually I like to go to places, which are called ugly. Sometimes you are there alone and it's wonderful.
But right now I'll go where everybody is going and I hope I will survive this...

Carnival makes carnivors

2009-03-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

Bizarre things are happening on Earthling's planet. People start to dress up, disguise themselves and then get wasted on booze. After that so-called Carnival they turn into mad carnivors and eat anything that crosses their path. This ritual is supposed to drive out winter.

A lot of people have been asking me if I will dress up, too, and do the Carnival. I denied. Then people would say: "Of course, you dress up all year long. And wherever you appear there is sure gonna be some carnivorous action."

I guess these people are right. Look at the picture on the top and you will notice that me and my alien mates are dressed up in our space suits and out for some serious madness. If we wouldn't be dressed up, Earthlings would be so shocked, they would probably kill themselves. Sometimes I wonder if people kill themselves when Carnival is over and they have to see their real faces in the mirror.

Idol casting is no rock'n'roll

2009-02-20T08:57:00.000-08:00

It is very embarrassing, but I have to admit, I got a little addicted to that Earth thing called Television. Even though the technology is very primitive, the addictive nature of this phenomenon is very advanced. Since I am a space rock musician I was very interested when I heard there were shows where the TV makers were looking for new rock'n'roll showbiz talent. So-called idol shows or casting shows - as they are called in the German hemisphere - are blossoming. Every time I turn on the TV, I get to see those Earthling kids singing and dancing and trying to become a teenage idol or a super star. The weird thing though is they are always trying to please everbody and the songs they are singing are extremely boring. Therefore I wonder have they or have I got the concept of rock'n'roll totally wrong? When my band came to Earth a lot of people told us that rock stars don't behave and that everybody hates them. So we decided to follow the path of becoming rock stars, but when I watch TV, our competitors seem to do exactly the opposite. They are nice and clean. Maybe my group, the Blues Horror Brigade, has to become tidy and neat soon or otherwise we will never be stars on Earth and have to return to the stars.

Boring Borders

2009-02-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

As alien the concept of nations as it is practized on the planet of Earth seems to be very bizarre. Since I started travelling around Earth I realized I could not just go from one part of the planet to another without a hassle. Everytime you reach the end of a self proclaimed nation country you have to show a passport or an identification card. Of course I don't have such a thing. So I often get called an "illegal alien". Illegal? What does that mean? But anyway, I can just cross borders using certain extraterrestrial technology I don't want to explain right now. Or sometimes I use the flying saucer of the Blues Horror Brigade, which cannot be detected by Earth radar.
Still I'm asking: Why do Earthlings create borders between their lands? Do some people think they are better than others? Do Earthlings not want to share their things with other creatures on that planet? I don't understand Earth's ways sometimes. Out there where I come from we don't have borders. It's technically impossible to guard them anyway. So why bother? We have created a giant confederation of stars, where everybody works with each other. This doesn't mean we don't get into fights sometimes. But then we try to find solutions instead of building walls around us. Our culture actually sucks as much as any other culture. So why don't we just pick the best things from each other and have fun together...?

The Tower Of Erection

2009-02-02T09:07:00.000-08:00

The Earthling man makes offspring by pushing his sexual organ, called penis, into the female sexual organ, known as vagina. It is a very primitive way of mating, but apparently it still works on Earth. Before copulation the male Earthling has to make its penis hard and big, because otherwise it will be very difficult to stick it into the vagina, which is normally really tight. The moment when the penis is ready for penetration is called erection. Earthling men are so happy when they get an erection they celebrate it all over Earth by building statues, which symbolise this phenomenon. And a lot of Earthlings think the bigger the better. Therefore every big city on Earth also has its own erected-penis-statue. And they keep trying making it bigger and bigger. One of the most famous penis statues on Earth is in a town called Paris, it's called the Eiffel Tower (picture on the left). Other famous towers are called Fernsehturm (Berlin), Space Needle (Shanghai) or simply University (Moscow).
In some Earthling cities tower building got a little bit out of hands... in Kuala Lumpur they built two towers (picture on the right). In New York, too... and this had to lead to disaster. They were destroyed by a group of very angry and evil men who probably had problems dealing with their own erections. Fortunately New York is filled with towers, so the New York men probably still have erections.

Friday means bliss on Earth

2009-01-23T03:55:00.000-08:00

Friday is not just the name of one of the main characters in one of Earth's most famous novels, "Robinson". It is also the last day of a normal working week in the Western world. Therefore Earthlings adore this day. Working on planet Earth is very peculiar. Even though Earthlings have developped robots that could do the work for them, they still go to work every day. Instead of cutting down with work, they create jobs, which are totally unnecessary. There would be enough wealth and food for everybody even if Earthlings would work only little. But there is this weird system of capitalism. Few people are extremely rich and own almost everything on the planet. They don't have to work. And they still get richer every day. The majority of Earthlings though is poor and has hardly anything to eat. They have to work and work and work and still barely survive. At the moment there is an economic crisis on planet Earth. The rich are not so rich any more and the poor are starving even more. So maybe Earthlings finally find out that their economic system is totally irrational. Hopefully they will discover laziness and wealth for everybody as most other planets in the galaxy have already found out.

Home of the Brave

2009-01-21T08:50:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel if I would be an Earthling I would be an American. It's not only that I have set foot on the moon, but I am also a passionate entrepreneur who fears no failure even though he constantly fails. At times I am ignorant and naive and buy everything that is offered to me. But often I am inquisitive and curious. And I can be very pragmatic when it comes to finding solutions. I guess that could make me an American.
But I am not. So I am not responsible for the mess that stupid cowboy from Texas made on this planet. Hell. When this W-guy announced he would put Americans on Mars I almost thought about calling in some of my warrior friends from outerspace to blow up the U.S. of A. But then hope came along. Yes, aliens, we can. We can trust this Hussein Obama dude. Or at least we should give him a chance before we blow up that planet. And if we blow up Earth anyway, we should take him with us. Those speeches even put tears in our extraterrestrial eyes. Good luck, Barack.

The Earthling and its weather

2009-01-11T03:22:00.000-08:00

Whether the sun shines too hot in summer or snow freezes in winter, Earthlings love to complain about the weather. At the moment Europe is covered with ice. (On the left: Alien footsteps in the garden of my bunker.) Weird Earth politics make heaters go cold, even though there are still enough ressources to keep everybody warm. This is just one example of Earthlings' peculiarities. They preach about love and at the same time they try to kill each other. And while they are openly killing each other they kill the whole planetary environment, rip it from its ressources and destroy the air that allows them to breathe and survive. For an alien like me the riddles of human existence are infinite. And instead of just enjoying the time they have left, they are complaining about the weather, which nobody can control...

Happy new year?

2009-01-06T03:46:00.000-08:00

It has taken me about five days to write that post. I did what a lot of people do when a new year is about to begin: I started drinking alcohol. The body of an extraterrestrial like me is very tough. It has to endure time and space travel. So I tested it with different ingredients. Beer worked well. I popped about ten bottles of brewskies. Then I moved to wine. Two litres worked well, then my body asked for stronger stuff. I did some Japanese sake, for God's sake, moved on to Vodka and ended 2008 with a bottle of Scotch Single Malt Whisky called Ardbeg. It worked fine. Then I woke up, deep into 2009. I wasn't able to move, my head was whizzing as though as five billlion bees were crossing my brain and when I opened my eyes everything seemed double, later on even triple or quadruple. Somebody fed me salmon and salt. Slowly I recovered only to notice that this was just the beginning of a whole bunch of New Years celebrations. To name a few: Eastern Orthodox on 14 January, Chinese 26 January, Tibet 25 February, Sikh 14 March, Bahai and Iran 25 March,... it will be interesting if my alien body will get used to Earth's flabbergasting flavors of alcohol.

War Sucks...

2008-12-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

I was talking about that Jewish Palestinian guy who was born a couple of thousand years ago in my last post. Even though his story is probably totally fake, there are some nice things about him. E.g. he keeps going on about love. 'Love Thy neighbour' is one of the things he said. When I look at the situation on that fucked-up planet of yours, I have to say: 'Thou shall love each other a little bit more...! Or else you will go down before we will bring you down...!' Yes. Those mad wars you have going on in the so called Middle East, in the South and the Far East are pure stupidity. I'm sorry to say that. But if you keep going on like that there will be nothing left to save, when your planet blows up.

The Christ Thing

2008-12-28T06:04:00.001-08:00

There is this very peculiar thing going on right now on planet Earth. It's called christmas. The largest religion on this planet is called Christianity. Christians follow this God, called Jesus - actually they believe this Jesus guy is the son of God. Apparently this guy lived about two thousand years ago in a country called Palestine and he performed some really weird miracles. The miracles already started when he was conceived and born. A pregnancy of an average Earthling lasts about nine months. His mother conceived him in the beginning of December and only about three weeks later he was born. And the leaders of the Christian church claim that she conceived him without having sex ("sex" is the Earthling's activity to make offspring and to have good fun). This is outrageous, since Earthlings have told me that having sex is a lot of fun, it's almost unbelievable that she didn't want to do that. And there is another miracle: on most pictures this Jesus guy has long blond hair. I met a lot of Earth people from the area where Jesus was born. They are called the Palestinians. They are very fun people to hang around with since they love to get wasted on booze and hashish, but none of them is blond. I never met a Palestinian who looked like Jesus. So this whole Jesus story might be totally fake. Anyway, his birth is still a big celebration here on Earth. People give each other gifts, which they don't really want. So today, a couple of days after Christmas, a lot of Earthlings run to the stores to exchange their gifts. You can get things really cheap now. I like Christmas.

IN EXACTLY FOUR YEARS FROM NOW WE WILL LEAVE

2008-12-21T02:12:00.001-08:00

On December 21, 2012, Earth will be erased from this galaxy. It's sad, but we can't do anything about it. It's been decided a long time ago by a bunch of space traffic planners who want to use the space to create a new wormhole. Apparently the location of Earth is a perfect spot to connect the Solar System qT334 (also know as the solar system around Earth) with the P2##&8 nebula, which is an area with a lot of ressources. Actually me and my buddies from the Blues Horror Brigade will try to save a few asses of earthlings as well as a couple of species we really like, e.g. the duck-billed platypus, the common hamster and the giant octopus. So get in touch with me if you're interested in getting a ticket for the ride.

AN ALIEN ON PLANET EARTH

2008-12-20T05:48:00.000-08:00

One year ago my crew (the fabulous space rock band Blues Horror Brigade) and me landed on planet Earth. We spent a year travelling around that weird planet. Now the time has come to write about my observations, adventures and feelings concerning the visit on planet Earth.